my niece is expecting

Oh yes, my niece is expecting her first baby (she is 19). Babies are cute and cuddly - of course there is the whole birth, changing diapers, and missing some sleep, but babies are adorable.

HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!

The whole "birth thing" should be enough to keep us from reproducing, but noooooo, we convince ourselves that giving birth is a beautiful process. Oh yeah, spreading your legs and spewing forth all kinds of smelly bodily fluids is so beautiful. And then there's the afterbirth - like after I get through being torn like a wet piece of perforated paper, I am prepared for birthing a fleshy balloon before being stitched up. Yes, stitched. Without numbing shots. STITCHED. THERE. I think my doctor double-majored in needlepoint, because I have quite the design down there.

And my niece is probably not expecting to be on her period for weeks after the birth - as if the labor pains weren't enough, mother nature pays you back for not having to use a tampon for 9 months by making you straddle a pad for a few weeks.

And speaking of pads, let's not forget that after having a baby, she'll need to wear pads in her bra to keep from leaking through (and subsequently sticking to) her shirts. Bless her heart, I shouldn't have mentioned nipple cracking, but I couldn't help it. Her face was priceless.

Babies are so cute - yeah, like that shriveled up crusty cord that falls off like an amputated scab is really adorable. And for that matter, has she ever smelled formula puke? TASTED it? She will, oh yes, that day will come. And that's just from the top end...

Changing a baby cousin's diaper a couple of times does not prepare you for the reality that awaits. First of all, it is every few hours, every day, for YEARS. No days off, no pause button...YEARS. Your house will smell like a porta-potty for YEARS.

And let's not forget that once you've changed a few diapers after some meals, you will never be able to eat that food again (my daughter is 20 and I still can't eat black olives). Matter of fact, after the first few weeks of diaper changing "bliss" you will never want to see the inside of a Taco Bell again for fear of seeing refried beans (which we all know is exactly what baby poop looks like). And babies rarely leave nice, neat, little terds (when they do, it's a picture-worthy moment and will probably wind up on facebook). No, babies spew copious amounts of indescribable goo that sticks in places you can't even imagine. YES elbows have back pockets and folds - and how the poop gets wedged in there is one of nature's mysteries. And the stuff sticks to skin better than burnt cheese on a frying pan. Scrubbing will be involved. And, no, that cute little bundle you spent months trying to come up with the perfect name for, is going to scream at record-breaking levels even after the whole procedure is done. (Don't worry, once he is calmed down and powdered up, he will give you another sticky wad of smelly goo to deal with).

To top it all off, after months of facing this toxic waste without sleep, the little vomit-spewing angel will say, "Da-Da" first.

Mad Ninja pruning skills

Just when I thought I couldn't procrastinate any more, I did it again. Another day spent mostly daydreaming. Now granted, it did help with some details I am trying to work out with my novel, but unfortunately, it also created about three more stories.

I have a problem finishing things apparently. Well, unless it's food.

I have a list (that keeps growing longer) of things to do. Yes I work full time. I am a teacher, so I have summer "off" to get everything done that I couldn't do during the school year. Epic fail.

I have piddled in the yard - but have come nowhere near my goal. In fact, I had to use my best Yoda-meets-angry-Ninja inner voice today to prune the trees that worked together to take over the yard. I mean seriously, these trees must be descendants from the Ent in Lord of the Rings. The two Pine trees were aggressively needling me, the river birch tree's branches tried to mate with my hair, and the oak? Well, let's just say if the neighbors have video cameras, I will become the next You Tube sensation. The severed limbs are now piled awaiting cremation in the back yard.

So instead of 4th of July fireworks, we are going to rock the burn pile. I have GOT to work on my to-do list this summer so I will not regret the time wasted.