Oh yes, my niece is expecting her first baby (she is 19). Babies are cute and cuddly - of course there is the whole birth, changing diapers, and missing some sleep, but babies are adorable.
HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!
The whole "birth thing" should be enough to keep us from reproducing, but noooooo, we convince ourselves that giving birth is a beautiful process. Oh yeah, spreading your legs and spewing forth all kinds of smelly bodily fluids is so beautiful. And then there's the afterbirth - like after I get through being torn like a wet piece of perforated paper, I am prepared for birthing a fleshy balloon before being stitched up. Yes, stitched. Without numbing shots. STITCHED. THERE. I think my doctor double-majored in needlepoint, because I have quite the design down there.
And my niece is probably not expecting to be on her period for weeks after the birth - as if the labor pains weren't enough, mother nature pays you back for not having to use a tampon for 9 months by making you straddle a pad for a few weeks.
And speaking of pads, let's not forget that after having a baby, she'll need to wear pads in her bra to keep from leaking through (and subsequently sticking to) her shirts. Bless her heart, I shouldn't have mentioned nipple cracking, but I couldn't help it. Her face was priceless.
Babies are so cute - yeah, like that shriveled up crusty cord that falls off like an amputated scab is really adorable. And for that matter, has she ever smelled formula puke? TASTED it? She will, oh yes, that day will come. And that's just from the top end...
Changing a baby cousin's diaper a couple of times does not prepare you for the reality that awaits. First of all, it is every few hours, every day, for YEARS. No days off, no pause button...YEARS. Your house will smell like a porta-potty for YEARS.
And let's not forget that once you've changed a few diapers after some meals, you will never be able to eat that food again (my daughter is 20 and I still can't eat black olives). Matter of fact, after the first few weeks of diaper changing "bliss" you will never want to see the inside of a Taco Bell again for fear of seeing refried beans (which we all know is exactly what baby poop looks like). And babies rarely leave nice, neat, little terds (when they do, it's a picture-worthy moment and will probably wind up on facebook). No, babies spew copious amounts of indescribable goo that sticks in places you can't even imagine. YES elbows have back pockets and folds - and how the poop gets wedged in there is one of nature's mysteries. And the stuff sticks to skin better than burnt cheese on a frying pan. Scrubbing will be involved. And, no, that cute little bundle you spent months trying to come up with the perfect name for, is going to scream at record-breaking levels even after the whole procedure is done. (Don't worry, once he is calmed down and powdered up, he will give you another sticky wad of smelly goo to deal with).
To top it all off, after months of facing this toxic waste without sleep, the little vomit-spewing angel will say, "Da-Da" first.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Mad Ninja pruning skills
Just when I thought I couldn't procrastinate any more, I did it again. Another day spent mostly daydreaming. Now granted, it did help with some details I am trying to work out with my novel, but unfortunately, it also created about three more stories.
I have a problem finishing things apparently. Well, unless it's food.
I have a list (that keeps growing longer) of things to do. Yes I work full time. I am a teacher, so I have summer "off" to get everything done that I couldn't do during the school year. Epic fail.
I have piddled in the yard - but have come nowhere near my goal. In fact, I had to use my best Yoda-meets-angry-Ninja inner voice today to prune the trees that worked together to take over the yard. I mean seriously, these trees must be descendants from the Ent in Lord of the Rings. The two Pine trees were aggressively needling me, the river birch tree's branches tried to mate with my hair, and the oak? Well, let's just say if the neighbors have video cameras, I will become the next You Tube sensation. The severed limbs are now piled awaiting cremation in the back yard.
So instead of 4th of July fireworks, we are going to rock the burn pile. I have GOT to work on my to-do list this summer so I will not regret the time wasted.
I have a problem finishing things apparently. Well, unless it's food.
I have a list (that keeps growing longer) of things to do. Yes I work full time. I am a teacher, so I have summer "off" to get everything done that I couldn't do during the school year. Epic fail.
I have piddled in the yard - but have come nowhere near my goal. In fact, I had to use my best Yoda-meets-angry-Ninja inner voice today to prune the trees that worked together to take over the yard. I mean seriously, these trees must be descendants from the Ent in Lord of the Rings. The two Pine trees were aggressively needling me, the river birch tree's branches tried to mate with my hair, and the oak? Well, let's just say if the neighbors have video cameras, I will become the next You Tube sensation. The severed limbs are now piled awaiting cremation in the back yard.
So instead of 4th of July fireworks, we are going to rock the burn pile. I have GOT to work on my to-do list this summer so I will not regret the time wasted.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Hey, I really DO have a blog
Wow - I haven't done this in a while...actually got back into the general blogosphere when I read a great blog about five things to never do when writing the opening for a book.
So I am going to add this blog as one of my to-do items...at least this will be something I will actually attempt (as opposed to the attic that I have been avoiding for the last, oh five years or so?)
So I am going to add this blog as one of my to-do items...at least this will be something I will actually attempt (as opposed to the attic that I have been avoiding for the last, oh five years or so?)
Monday, September 6, 2010
2pounds lighter
I was ready for a gain. Last night I went to a friend's wedding. There were tables covered with food and a pig being slow-cooked in the pit.
I used the plastic spoon and didn't put anything on my plate that didn't fit on that spoon. (Only one spoonful for each desired dish.) I made up for the little piles on my plate by getting a really big portion (13.5 points worth) of pork. And I ate one cookie. My plate was oh-so-satisfying and I still got to try everyone's dish. I opted out of wedding cake and chose not to drink the sherbet punch but didn't miss them.
Still, I was pretty sure this was going to kill today's weigh-in. And here I sit at the laptop MINUS two pounds! I am so stoked!
Right now I feel like my goal of wearing a bikini next summer (without causing public waves of nausea) isn't just a joke, but a real possibility. I really don't plan on wearing a bikini (after the double mastectomy, I don't have anything to fill the top - BUT it would be nice to have the option to wear one) - that my weight won't dictate my fashion choices. I will decide what I want to wear - not whatever is in my size that I settle for.
Oh, those two pounds mean SO much! This is the perfect mood for grading papers. Time to get to work...after all, it is Labor Day. :)
I used the plastic spoon and didn't put anything on my plate that didn't fit on that spoon. (Only one spoonful for each desired dish.) I made up for the little piles on my plate by getting a really big portion (13.5 points worth) of pork. And I ate one cookie. My plate was oh-so-satisfying and I still got to try everyone's dish. I opted out of wedding cake and chose not to drink the sherbet punch but didn't miss them.
Still, I was pretty sure this was going to kill today's weigh-in. And here I sit at the laptop MINUS two pounds! I am so stoked!
Right now I feel like my goal of wearing a bikini next summer (without causing public waves of nausea) isn't just a joke, but a real possibility. I really don't plan on wearing a bikini (after the double mastectomy, I don't have anything to fill the top - BUT it would be nice to have the option to wear one) - that my weight won't dictate my fashion choices. I will decide what I want to wear - not whatever is in my size that I settle for.
Oh, those two pounds mean SO much! This is the perfect mood for grading papers. Time to get to work...after all, it is Labor Day. :)
Friday, August 20, 2010
Painting Queen Today
Friday, August 20, 2010
I spent hours painting the nastiness that was once my classroom door (and I went ahead and painted my coworker's door as well). I then got a wee bit carried away and painted a mural...on the entrance to my classroom trailer. Yes, I painted a 4' x 4' design on the wooden boardwalk. I probably should have asked the principal first. ooops.
Then again, I didn't ask before I put up gutters on the trailer. I didn't ask before I built wooden benches outside in the courtyard. I didn't ask when I built the cabinets, shelves, and student cubbies. I also didn't ask to sand the graffiti off of the disgusting tables that students have been using for at least 16 years (based on the years carved along with the ugly words).So, I figured a little paint wouldn't be a bad thing. I hope. We'll find out Monday I guess.
So I spent another 13 hours at work and instead of eating out I brought a Smart Ones meal. That's the good news. The not-so-good news? That is all I ate for the day until just after midnight. Though I did eat a veggie burger, having only 10 points for the day can't be healthy. I don't feel hungry, but this is the type of poor eating habits that helped me become overweight. In the past, I would work my butt off (unfortunately not literally) and then grab a quick, and large portion of filling food.
I need to get into a routine of eating something healthy in the morning before work, then eat a healthy meal at work - plus bring a sensible snack in case it turns out to be a long day. Then when I leave work, I will be less likely to want to stuff my face.
Baby steps Stephanie. Baby steps. Right now I should be getting to bed. I have another row of cubbies to build for my classroom this weekend. Hey, I wonder if I have enough paint to cover the back door....?
I spent hours painting the nastiness that was once my classroom door (and I went ahead and painted my coworker's door as well). I then got a wee bit carried away and painted a mural...on the entrance to my classroom trailer. Yes, I painted a 4' x 4' design on the wooden boardwalk. I probably should have asked the principal first. ooops.
Then again, I didn't ask before I put up gutters on the trailer. I didn't ask before I built wooden benches outside in the courtyard. I didn't ask when I built the cabinets, shelves, and student cubbies. I also didn't ask to sand the graffiti off of the disgusting tables that students have been using for at least 16 years (based on the years carved along with the ugly words).So, I figured a little paint wouldn't be a bad thing. I hope. We'll find out Monday I guess.
So I spent another 13 hours at work and instead of eating out I brought a Smart Ones meal. That's the good news. The not-so-good news? That is all I ate for the day until just after midnight. Though I did eat a veggie burger, having only 10 points for the day can't be healthy. I don't feel hungry, but this is the type of poor eating habits that helped me become overweight. In the past, I would work my butt off (unfortunately not literally) and then grab a quick, and large portion of filling food.
I need to get into a routine of eating something healthy in the morning before work, then eat a healthy meal at work - plus bring a sensible snack in case it turns out to be a long day. Then when I leave work, I will be less likely to want to stuff my face.
Baby steps Stephanie. Baby steps. Right now I should be getting to bed. I have another row of cubbies to build for my classroom this weekend. Hey, I wonder if I have enough paint to cover the back door....?
Mexican Food for Lunch-Ay Caramba!
Thursday, August 19
What to order, what to order...?
Everything was covered with cheese and surrounded by pools of refried beans and enough rice to feed a family. I wish every restaurant had point values on their menus!I ended up ordering a dish that seemed relatively safe. Pollo Adobo (and when I came home a few minutes ago I tried to Google it, but what I ate today and what they call Pollo Adobo are two very different foods.) So I ended up listing every ingredient that I could. Since it was mostly sliced chicken breast and veggies (spinach, onions, & peppers) it was pretty good. I just wish I knew what the flavor came from-I mean there wasn't a sauce or anything, but the food seemed like it was cooked together with some kind of salty (and yummy) liquid. Who knows? With my luck the meal was probably full of hidden points. It seems I'm going to have to work on the whole eating out thing.
Here's the good news: I specifically asked for the lunch portion (smaller). Then I only ate HALF! I mean it was mouth-watering, but I actually realized I was full and stopped eating. (This is a calendar marking moment for me.) I just finished eating the rest of it for dinner...and I am full.
That one meal (and a Starbucks coffee) are the only points I've had today. If that meal was worth more than I calculated, I am sure I worked it off with all the manual labor and scrubbing I did today in my classroom. 14 of hours muscle-screaming work-none of it done while seated. Well, I did take a lunch break and on the way back went to the store for more supplies for the classroom)
Right now I can barely sit here and type. I am pooped. And tomorrow, I am not going out to eat. Not unless I can plan ahead and know points before I order.
Night Night all - I will be asleep in no time!
What to order, what to order...?
Everything was covered with cheese and surrounded by pools of refried beans and enough rice to feed a family. I wish every restaurant had point values on their menus!I ended up ordering a dish that seemed relatively safe. Pollo Adobo (and when I came home a few minutes ago I tried to Google it, but what I ate today and what they call Pollo Adobo are two very different foods.) So I ended up listing every ingredient that I could. Since it was mostly sliced chicken breast and veggies (spinach, onions, & peppers) it was pretty good. I just wish I knew what the flavor came from-I mean there wasn't a sauce or anything, but the food seemed like it was cooked together with some kind of salty (and yummy) liquid. Who knows? With my luck the meal was probably full of hidden points. It seems I'm going to have to work on the whole eating out thing.
Here's the good news: I specifically asked for the lunch portion (smaller). Then I only ate HALF! I mean it was mouth-watering, but I actually realized I was full and stopped eating. (This is a calendar marking moment for me.) I just finished eating the rest of it for dinner...and I am full.
That one meal (and a Starbucks coffee) are the only points I've had today. If that meal was worth more than I calculated, I am sure I worked it off with all the manual labor and scrubbing I did today in my classroom. 14 of hours muscle-screaming work-none of it done while seated. Well, I did take a lunch break and on the way back went to the store for more supplies for the classroom)
Right now I can barely sit here and type. I am pooped. And tomorrow, I am not going out to eat. Not unless I can plan ahead and know points before I order.
Night Night all - I will be asleep in no time!
Buffet: You are a Cruel Creature
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Today we were in our mandatory day-long teacher workday held at one of the local churches. To ensure we didn't escape, breakfast and lunch were provided. Tables were covered with point-ridden dishes. Lunch had the added benefit of an additional dessert table.
I ate fruit for breakfast (the fruit was located next to a small mountain of biscuits, trays of Chick-fil-A chicken breakfast things. I think the fruit was designed to be eaten with the cartons of caramel, but I just put a little bit of fruit on my plate. No toppings - not even sugar.
Lunch was really hard for me. I didn't know what to expect so I didn't know how to plan for the buffet. It turned out to be deli sandwiches and a whole lot of salads (no, not the leafy kind, the thick melted cheese type that really should be labeled casseroles.) I ended up putting a couple of slices of turkey on my plate and ate some more of the fruit left from breakfast. There was a three bean salad kind of thing and I tried a little of that too.
Most importantly, I did NOT have a single dessert. Not even a bite. Granted, I walked by the table a few times (with my hands in my pockets to help with my self-control), but I didn't taste a bit. I really REALLY wanted to though. The breads were frosted with about an inch-thick layer of gooey sweetness, and someone brought in a vat of banana pudding (complete with vanilla wafers). There were seemingly endless dishes of chocolate cakes and other frosted concoctions. By the time I got home (6:30) I was hungry. I scarfed down celery (with peanut butter-yep, I'm a bad girl). Then when I felt I was calm, I ate one of the Weight Watchers Smart Ones meals and even ate a slice of wheat bread with a piece of American cheese on top.
I only have 3.5 points left for today. I am going to relax here on the computer, finish my Diet Pepsi, then collapse on the bed. I am one tired puppy!
Today we were in our mandatory day-long teacher workday held at one of the local churches. To ensure we didn't escape, breakfast and lunch were provided. Tables were covered with point-ridden dishes. Lunch had the added benefit of an additional dessert table.
I ate fruit for breakfast (the fruit was located next to a small mountain of biscuits, trays of Chick-fil-A chicken breakfast things. I think the fruit was designed to be eaten with the cartons of caramel, but I just put a little bit of fruit on my plate. No toppings - not even sugar.
Lunch was really hard for me. I didn't know what to expect so I didn't know how to plan for the buffet. It turned out to be deli sandwiches and a whole lot of salads (no, not the leafy kind, the thick melted cheese type that really should be labeled casseroles.) I ended up putting a couple of slices of turkey on my plate and ate some more of the fruit left from breakfast. There was a three bean salad kind of thing and I tried a little of that too.
Most importantly, I did NOT have a single dessert. Not even a bite. Granted, I walked by the table a few times (with my hands in my pockets to help with my self-control), but I didn't taste a bit. I really REALLY wanted to though. The breads were frosted with about an inch-thick layer of gooey sweetness, and someone brought in a vat of banana pudding (complete with vanilla wafers). There were seemingly endless dishes of chocolate cakes and other frosted concoctions. By the time I got home (6:30) I was hungry. I scarfed down celery (with peanut butter-yep, I'm a bad girl). Then when I felt I was calm, I ate one of the Weight Watchers Smart Ones meals and even ate a slice of wheat bread with a piece of American cheese on top.
I only have 3.5 points left for today. I am going to relax here on the computer, finish my Diet Pepsi, then collapse on the bed. I am one tired puppy!
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